


livin' like a lover with a rajor phone

by iamsiriusblackserious



Category: iZombie (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mostly Dialogue, Plot What Plot/Puns Without Plot, Strippers & Strip Clubs, and you thought I was joking, major really cares about all of his children and supports them no matter what, ravi rants when he's drunk, this is probably crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 09:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6950602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsiriusblackserious/pseuds/iamsiriusblackserious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set in some nebulous future where there hasn’t been a zombie takeover, no one is dealing with zombies or zombie fallout, everything’s just cool and gay and for some reason I’ve invented, major drags ravi along to a gay strip club for Very Important Reasons. I am not going to explain myself. enjoy</p>
            </blockquote>





	livin' like a lover with a rajor phone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bedwyrssong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedwyrssong/gifts).



> for my friend nathan - now you don't have to hitch a ride to georgia. my sorry ass is grateful. sorry this is - wow, two and a half weeks late. yikes.
> 
> also, the title is a derivative of a line from "pour some sugar on me" by def leppard because 1.) pour some sugar, zombie was already taken and b.) I am a huge fucking nerd. it doesn't even really make sense.
> 
> also also, I reserve the right to come back later and rework this entire fic, because I don't really like it all that much, and also, I've been up for over thirty hours, so I probably screwed this up somehow. eh

“I still say this entire thing is a horrible idea,” Ravi announced as soon as they stepped through the door.

“Aw, don’t be like that, sweetheart!” Major grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. “It’ll be fun, I promise!”

Ravi made a show of glancing around the showroom, gaze lingering for a moment on a highlighted bit of tan skin, before looking back at his friend with a raised eyebrow. “Remind me why Liv couldn’t come with you?”

“Because, my dear doctor, Liv is not a man,” Major replied, making a grand sweeping gesture to indicate the roomful of men in various states of dress and undress. “Think she might’ve stuck out a bit in a gay strip club.”

The gay strip club in question, The Bare Manimum (a name Ravi privately wished he’d thought up himself) was fairly large. In the middle of the room was a huge stage with tall poles mounted into the metal floor, and several smaller stages were set up in various spots around the open space.

The stages themselves were extremely well lit; the couches surrounding them were not. Discretion seemed to be the main goal – aside from the actual money-making and stripping, that is – and it was nearly impossible to see the faces of the men filling the couches and booths along the wall, which was probably for the best, as Ravi could’ve sworn he’d just heard the mayor’s voice ordering a lap dance.

“Yes, alright, I understand why Liv couldn’t come, but why did _I_ have to come?” Ravi whined.

“Technically, neither of us has come yet.”

“Oh good _lord, Major_!”

“There you go, keep practicing.”

Before Ravi could do more than make a frustrated noise in the back of his throat, a man dressed as a sexy fireman approached. “You Major Lilywhite?” he asked.

“Yeah, that’s me!” Major replied.

“Mr. Shermann is expecting you, but your…friend will have to wait here,” the man continued, eyeing Ravi who was, in turn, eyeing him.

More accurately, Ravi was eyeing the man’s exposed chest. “Are these comfortable?” he asked, gesturing to the suspenders. “I’ve always wanted to wear suspenders, but wasn’t sure-”

“Hey buddy, why don’t you go and keep Scott company, huh?” Major interrupted, making eye contact with one of the servers and miming an order for a drink.

Ravi frowned. “What? Who’s Scott?”

“The guy bringing your drink.”

“So, you’re absolutely useless when it comes to scoring drugs, but you know the _strippers_ by _name_?”

“Alright, it’s not because I come here a lot-”

“Ha, _come here_.”

“Focus, Chakrabarti! It’s just, some of these kids used to be mine.”

Ravi’s expression was horrified. “Oh god, it’s like looking at my own nephew in a glittery _thong_.”

“From when I was a _social worker_ , which…actually makes all of this way worse.”

“Well, if you’d like a lap dance, ask after I’ve got a few drinks in me.”

The sexy fireman cleared his throat insistently, and Major suddenly realized that his hand was clutching Ravi’s arm. Letting go and taking a step back, he gave his friend a thin smile and said, “Drink, be merry. Try not to lose all of your money, rent’s due in three days.”

“You’re hilarious,” Ravi grumbled, accepting the drink he was being handed and raising it to his lips for a delicate sip. “Go on, then, I’ll just be here. Drinking.”

“That’s my boy,” Major shot back over his shoulder as he followed the sexy fireman towards a discreetly hidden door near the club entrance.

He could’ve sworn he heard lightly muffled choking as he walked away, but decided it was best to just ignore it.

-

 

The better part of an hour later, Major emerged from Mr. Shermann’s office and breathed an audible sigh of relief. The meeting had gone better than he'd hoped. The information was good, and once he found Ravi, they could-

He scanned the front room, his gaze sometimes pausing on an amorous couple on the couches or in the padded booths – once, he saw a head of thick, dark hair pressed close to another, and held his breath until he recognized the lack of beard – but there was no immediate sign of his roommate.

When he finally managed to locate Ravi, his friend was sitting in one of the curtained-off back rooms, involved in an avid discussion with one of the strippers.

“-can say what sort of person is allowed into an ‘all males’ strip club? Are you saying all men are welcome? Does that include trans men, because if not, how _dare_ you, you know? And also, what about people who identify as neither male _nor_ female? Do you stop people at the door and demand they identify themselves as male? Unbelievable!”

“Hey buddy.” Major clapped a friendly hand onto Ravi’s shoulder and then conveniently forgot to move it. “You’ve got some more glitter in Princess Sparkles. Have you been motor boating the strippers?” He very deliberately tried not to sound jealous.

“BABE!” Ravi shouted happily, which, okay, that was new, but whatever. He could roll with it. And, if it gave him a secret thrill, no one else had to know. Blissfully unaware, Ravi gave him a dopey smile and said, “Nooo, my new friend Romeo glittered me up. I’m glitted, glit-glittified? Glitterfied? There’s glitter in my beard!”

Romeo, whose real name, Major knew, was Jamal, flushed a bit when he recognized Major, but smiled nonetheless. “I didn’t think that you were the type to give cutesy nicknames,” he said, visibly amused. “Last time I saw you, you had a fiancée, right?”

Major opened his mouth to reply, but Ravi beat him to it. “She called it off because she’s a zombie, shhhh,” he whispered, holding a finger to his lips – or, as it turned out, to his cheek. “You can’t tell anyone, it’s a secret!”

“He’s very, very drunk,” Major laughed nervously, squeezing Ravi’s shoulder tightly to shut him up.

“Obviously,” Romeo said, looking like he was struggling to keep from rolling his eyes. He’d always been a big eye-roller.

“Say, uh, Romeo? How’s college?”

“Oh man, it’s great, I’m graduating next-” He cut himself off with a nervous glance over his shoulder. “Uh, sorry, we’re not supposed to talk about our personal lives while we’re on the clock? But if you really wanna know-”

“Of course I do, Ja-Romeo.”

Romeo brightened visibly. “Cool! Maybe give me your number so we can get coffee sometime?”

“Oh, sure,” Major replied easily, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a business card. “My cell’s on the back.”

Romeo glanced at the card and raised an eyebrow. “Personal trainer?”

“And it’s for real this time!” Ravi spoke up, proving himself conscious, if not alert.

“What-”

“Drunk,” Major repeated, discreetly kicking his friend in the shin – or, it would’ve been discreet, had Ravi not then screeched loudly and grabbed his leg.

 “Riiiight.” Romeo stood with a sigh. “So, just to be clear, neither of you want-?”

“ _No_! No, thank you.”

Romeo shrugged. “Cool. Room’s all yours, then.” He left, but not before throwing Major a highly-exaggerated wink.

With a low groan, Major collapsed onto the couch, careful to leave a respectable (ironic, considering their current location) distance from Ravi. They sat there in silence for a while, long enough that he was sure that Ravi had finally passed out.

Minutes later, Ravi shifted in place, his foot reaching out and knocking against Major’s leg. “Hey Major.”

“Yeah, bud?”

Ravi rolled his head over the back of the couch, blinking when he realized how close their faces were. “I’ve had a few drinks,” he mumbled.

“I had noticed.”

“No, I mean…” Ravi’s eyebrows lifted dramatically and he stared until Major remembered, suddenly, their joking conversation when they’d arrived at the club.

There was tension in the air now, and the temperature in the room seemed to have heated by several degrees. His face hot, Major asked, “Are you coming onto me, Chakrabarti?”

“Mm, you’d have to accept my offer for that to happen.”

“You, my friend, are a serial punner.”

“Oh really? Well, that’s better than being a serial _killer_ , like I thought you were, you remember? When I…” At the look on Major’s face, Ravi trailed off and cleared his throat. “Uh, never mind all that. So, erections?”

“Oh my god.”

“Apologies. I’m…slightly drunk.”

“Slightly?”

“I’ve had enough late-night drinking sessions with Peyton to know my limits.”

“Know them, but not adhere to them?”

“It’s that damn Romeo’s fault, he’s like an alcoholic wizard. Every time I turned around, there was another drink in his hand.”

“Well, that _is_ his job. I’m surprised he didn’t lure you in here to ravish you.”

“He did try, but he’s not really my type.”

“Male?”

“Blond.”

Major laughed. “You’re the absolute worst.”

They lapsed once more into silence, but it had shifted, the tension in the room reaching a heightened level of unbearable. Once again, Ravi was the one who broke it. “So was that a no?” he asked.

“What – oh, you mean, to the lap dance thing?”

“Hm.”

Major watched him for a long moment; slouched low on the couch, his face lightly flushed from the alcohol, Ravi appeared completely relaxed and, judging from the heated look in his hooded eyes, completely serious.

With a slow, deep breath for courage, Major said, “No.”

“No?”

“No, it wasn’t a no.”

“Oh.” Ravi straightened, sitting up and turning his body to face Major full-on.

Major grinned. “I’ll let you give me a lap dance on one condition.”

“Oh, _let_ me, like you’re not gagging for it-”

“One condition, Chakrabarti.”

“Well?”

“I don’t even want to know how filthy these couches are. Let’s go home.”

A slow grin lit up Ravi’s face, so bright it almost hurt to look at, and he stood up from the couch with far more grace than a drunk man had any business being. He gestured grandly in the completely opposite direction and said, “Lead the way. No, seriously, lead the way, I don’t know how to leave.”

As Major joined him at the curtained doorway and they made their slow, stumbling way towards the exit, Ravi slipped his hand into Major’s. Romeo spotted them from the bar and gave Major an extremely unsubtle thumbs up.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: I spent a ridiculous amount of time oscillating between naming the club the bare manimum or the bear manimum - seriously, a RIDICULOUS amount of time was spent on this pun. entirely worth it
> 
> come find me on [tumblr](http://iamsiriusblackserious.tumblr.com/)


End file.
